Latinas in love

How the modern Latina juggles love, dating, family and career.

At first, Cecilia Guerrero, 41, was mum about telling family and friends how she met her boyfriend of one year.

Stories of how her Nana met her Tata at a church bazaar, how her father avidly pursued her mother after first setting eyes on her, and how nice girls never make the first move were firmly entrenched in the back of the El Paso native’s mind.

So how could she tell them that she met her love on an Internet dating site?

“At first I didn’t want to tell anyone. I was embarrassed, mortified that people would think I was desperate to go to the Internet,” says Guerrero, who owns an American Family Insurance agency in Peoria. “But that was a different time. Pursuing doesn’t happen like that anymore.”

Eventually, Guerrero was able to put aside those tales of love and romantic ritual experienced by generations past. Instead of listening to those voices, she turned to another one. One that sprung from within, one that came from being a single Latina who spent 11 years getting her bachelor’s degree in business while working and putting herself through school, all without the support of a man.

“After a while I thought, ‘What the heck is wrong with me?’ Out of all of those people on (the Web site) we were able to get together and have this great relationship that’s working. Because of all that tradition, I was afraid of being judged by my community, my people. And when I told them, they thought it was great and they wanted to know about it,” she says.

The emotional tug-of-war between the contemporary world and tradition is one most 21st century Latinas endure. While the rewards or consequences of decisions made in some areas, such as education and career opportunities, are readily tangible or can be supported by data, the romance and relationships department is not so cut-and-dry.

Despite running businesses, holding college degrees and finding professional success on their terms, the words of wise abuelos continue to chime in, and beckon their hearts to uphold customs of a time that has passed.

Lady, not a tramp

When Guerrero was younger, she recalls her mother advising her to suppress her bold, inquisitive nature when it came to men.

“She told me, ‘Don’t ask so many questions, don’t be so boisterous.’ Basically, don’t be so ‘you.’ Let them do what they want. I think she meant that you have know how to get what you want, but make them think you are doing what they want you to do,” Guerrero says. “At least that’s what I want to think.”

Hillary Greason, 36, has enjoyed an active dating life and turned down a marriage proposal since she got divorced seven years ago. Still, the headstrong Tucson bank executive is never the first one to dial.

“I’ll return a call, but I won’t call first because that’s how we were raised: Don’t make the first move, don’t make yourself available. If they want to spend time with me, it’s their job to be the pursuer. I’ll hear about it from my friends about how old-fashioned it is and how silly it sounds. My mother told us to be interested, not easy,” says Greason, who is the youngest of four girls.

Myra Irizarry, 32, says her views on dating differ “to a certain degree” from those of her older female relatives. While her Nana instructed her not to completely trust men, su madre focused on manners and how a proper lady must act.

“Things are definitely different now, but I think we have to maintain some level of respect for ourselves,” says Irizarry, deputy director for Municipal Affairs for the Home Builders Association of Central Arizona, who has been dating her boyfriend, a professor at Arizona State University, for three years.

Alicia S. Cardellini, 41, bucked tradition followed by her eight siblings and delayed marriage and having children. But the mother of three believes there are some values that are timeless and worth passing on to her daughter Emme, 6.

“My mother and grandmother would say, ‘You know, boys don’t touch you here, you don’t do this...’ It was always, ‘You don’t call them, they call you.’ I was pretty reserved. I didn’t date until after high school, I didn’t wear makeup until I was a junior in high school,” says Cardellini, a stay-at-home mother in Ahwatukee Foothills.

 “I believe in my heart, I’m going to be like my parents. It’s not OK for a boy to call Emme at 13, wait until you are older to wear makeup. I want to raise her as old-fashioned as I can without cutting her off or being too strict. I want her to be outgoing but not wild.”

Great expectations

Cardellini was born and raised in East Los Angeles, hails from a large Mexican family and is fluent in Spanish. But the former paralegal with a bachelor’s degree in finance from California State at Los Angeles admits she may be lacking one gene that is stereotypically Latina.

“I am not a great cook. I think Greg wanted the traditional Latin woman. He said, ‘I was hoping to get my mom.’ Well, that’s not what you got,” she says, laughing about her husband of 10 years, whose mother is Mexican and father Italian.

Growing up, Cardellini remembers her mother running the home, spending most of her time cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids. While she is fond of those memories, Cardellini says they were instrumental in shaping her goals – none of which included getting married and having children at a young age. Instead she worked, went to college and traveled as an independent young woman.

She and her husband were both 31 when they married and two years later their first son was born. As time went on and Greg, a regional sales director, was traveling more often, Cardellini realized she needed to take on the role she never thought she would.

“That was hard for me, I met him halfway. I accepted it was my job and he was out there working so I had to step up to the plate and be the one,” she says. “And now, I love that role. I love what I do.”

Laura French, 34, executive projects manager at the Arizona Department of Tourism, says that she has not experienced any negative stereotyping, but Anglo men have made a few generalizations.

“They’ve said that Latinas are supposed to be more affectionate, loving. It’s just a stereotype,” she says.

Aside from presumed culinary talents and presumptions inspired by novellas, Latinas tend to face the same stereotypes bestowed on women of all ethnicities. The pressure to get married, have children and follow society’s mores exist, as do critics who condemn any decision that goes against the mainstream grain.

Alex Martinez, 26, owner of abloom hair salon in Phoenix, is due to have her first baby this spring with her boyfriend of four years. They have no plans to get married and although some may frown on it, she is perfectly fine with that.

“My dad is more traditional so there’s a little more pressure from his side of the family. But my mom knows we are life partners and that a piece of paper doesn’t have to bind us,” Martinez says.

Greason says men have asked why, after 10 years of marriage, she only has one child, a 13-year-old son. She says she also gets pressure from friends, but not family, to get married.

“They say, ‘You’re Latina, Catholic and only have one child?’ They say, ‘You’re pretty, fun and successful so why aren’t you married?’ Like there’s something wrong,” she says.

“But there’s a whole lot more to life than getting married and having kids. I think everybody is looking to settle down and have that white picket fence, but the world is much more complicated than that.”

Because she is a single mother with primary custody of her son, Greason must balance her life as a parent with her life as a single dating woman. She has a six-month rule: A man must be in her life for at least six months before she introduces him to her son.

Her ex-husband, who does not have the primary responsibility of raising their son, was remarried in less than a year after the divorce was finalized. Greason says she knows the custody arrangement has had an impact on her remaining single. However, it was a decision she embraced and fought for.

“Culturally, that was not an option. My son was staying with me. Splitting things down the middle, no. This is his home, this is where he’ll be. That’s a big part of being Latina,” she says. 

 “I know that’s why I’m still single. I know I’ve chosen to remain single because I am steadfast in my ideas about a relationship.”

One Latino perspective

On the flip side, Latinos often find themselves caught in Latinas’ struggle to find Mr. Right.

“I have Latina friends who say there aren’t any good Latinos out there. My friends and I are sitting there like, ‘What are we? Chopped liver?’”  says Feliciano Vera, 31, a Phoenix entrepreneur in real estate and finance, who is single.

 “There is still a desire to find someone they can bring home to mom and dad, and that is typically Latino. But a lot of Latina professionals are so focused on work that the social functions they go to are work-related. So those are the people they see. As a consequence, your dating pool is limited.”

Part of the blame must be shouldered by a large portion of the Latino population who do not have the package that successful Latinas want.

“Women are looking for the education and personality, and frankly that’s missing. Class has a lot to do with it, unfortunately,” Vera says.

However, Vera says that sometimes he and his compadres do not receive equal treatment. He explains that his last girlfriend got mad at him because he was not the jealous type and did not exhibit the stereotypical tough-guy behavior whenever another man looked at her.

“As a Latino you are boxed in. You’re expected to be compassionate, play the role of the machisto every now and then, but within reason. There’s not a bright line that tells you where that stops or to what extent you’re doing that sensitive male role,” he says.

“Latinas forgive (jerk)-like behavior from a White guy, but not from Latinos, because we’re supposed to know better. There’s a double standard.”

Latino connection

While Latinas say being Latino is not a priority when sizing up a mate, what they agree that finding a man who can connect with them culturally is a plus.

Guerrero said she and her boyfriend went to a George Lopez concert on one of their first dates.

“He got it, all of the stories, the sayings, what it’s like to be part of a big crazy family. It was so nice to bond over that and be with someone who gets it,” she says.

French, who is half Mexican, said she looks for that connection as well.

“I want to retain so much of those Latin traditions. It would be great to speak Spanish with someone, be with someone who understands the Mexican traditions, big families and faith,” she says. “Being Latino is not a necessity, but it would be important to embrace the culture.”

Irizarry, whose boyfriend is Mexican and African American, says her Puerto Rican grandmother may have preferred she date a nice Puerto Rican boy, but her boyfriend’s background has never been an issue with her family.

Martinez says she looks forward to having a biracial child with her Anglo boyfriend. She says her Mexican father encouraged her to not date outside of her race, but she has not experienced any prejudices for dating a white man.

“He understands it’s hard to find love. He knows I found someone who is outside of my race but has all the qualities. My parents were able to look beyond the traditional,” she says.

“I was in Mexico with my boyfriend and everyone was accepting of him because he was attempting to understand the culture. There’s a difference between an Anglo who doesn’t want to understand and someone who wants to immerse themselves in it. I felt a lot of love from my Mexican community.”

What the heart wants

As Latinas continue to make professional and financial strides, becoming more at ease maneuvering in a world once reserved for Anglo men, their respective journeys to find love and happiness in their personal lives will also be a progressive learning experience for generations to come.

“There’s definitely a generational shift in expectations,” says Vera. “Regardless of acculturation, we view women as partners, equals, not subservient, compared to older generations.”

Sure, there are outlines that map the road to earning a college degree, job descriptions to determine competency and promotions and financial plans to ensure economic stability.

But the brain is often clueless and logic goes out the window when it comes to matters of the heart.

“I have found in dating Latinos, Italians or Greeks or anyone ethnic there’s a stronger sense of family values,” Greason says.

“I don’t think it’s simply a Latino thing. There are cultures that have maintained tradition, but Latinos are very proud and we’ve retained a lot of that tradition.”