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Romance RX

'Love Doctors' prescribe truthfulness, commitment and a healthy dose of laughter

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Latino Perspectives rounded up a quartet of doctores de amore to answer some questions posed by people who are in love - or not. Among the experts (some of whom requested pseudonyms) are:

Christopher Haddad, 40, who holds a master's in counseling, with an emphasis on marriage and family. He currently serves as director of Adult Services for Valle del Sol.

"Tia Maria," a mature woman whose four marriages have provided years of wisdom.

Marcos Najera, the outspoken Latino PM columnist of Najera Nites.

"Hoops & Heels," a sexy, single Latina who is confident about love matters.

Why answer questions about relationships? Why not?

Actually, the truth is we couldn't come up with a good romance quiz for readers to size up their own relationships. And though you may find yourselves arguing over their answers, we bet you'll also have a few laughs.

QUESTION: My best friend is in a fairly new love relationship. I'm very happy for her and her new love, but when they start making googly eyes, hugging and talking baby talk, it makes people around them (me included) uncomfortable. We hate feeling like "third wheels." Should I say something to her, at the risk of our friendship?

- Cootchie Killjoy

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, the joy (and irritation) of new love. Try to avoid strangling your friend; tell her how you feel. The wonderful power of true friendship is that you can discuss concerns with each other without fear of retribution. If you don't talk to her about the way you feel, at some point it might be you who gives the friendship a pink slip, rather than her.

TIA MARIA: Ah, public displays of affection. Funny we don't mind it when we're the participants, but other people - Ay, caramba! And baby talk? How old are these people? No matter, don't threaten your friendship by blowing her love buzz; avert your eyes, turn up your ipod and wait it out. Give it three more months; they'll evolve.

NAJERA: Hamlet's speech to the players is your new mantra: "Hold the mirror up to nature. Show virtue her own feature. Scorn her own image. The very age and body of the time his form and pressure." Get you a man, girl, and have sex with him in front of your best friend. She'll get the hint.

HOOPS & HEELS: I believe everyone is guilty of this at one point or another. It's actually a very sensitive line, confronting your girlfriend regarding issues with her man friend. So, first, express your sincere support and happiness that she has a new boyfriend. Second, gently break the gross tonsil hockey news to her. Your best friend will know your sincerity and will respect your PG-rated comfort zone.

QUESTION:
My new boyfriend leaves his clothes everywhere, which makes it tough for me to find the floor. I'm not neat freak, but how can I get him to pick up his stuff without getting into a fight? I don't want him to think I'm mothering him, but I think our place looks trashy. Help!

- Keen To Be Clean


CHRISTOPHER: Guys love sports. If you were to put up a makeshift basket over the laundry basket, he could pretend he's shooting hoops with his clothes. Guys seem to be more sanitary when it's a game to them, for some reason. Short of that, tell your boyfriend how you feel. Let him know that you feel embarrassed when the house looks messy and that it's not appropriate to invite people over until you are both committed to keeping a clean home.

TIA MARIA: This novio nuevo may not last. Unless you're willing to harangue or clean up after him for the next few years (or live separately), you're doomed. Some folks (men or women), don't get the clean-up-after-yourself concept, and for tidier folk (like you and me) that can be a stressful situation. Now, hija, perhaps the love is so wondrous you can't see dumping him. But you must realize it's going to mean serving as his cleaning lady or other ranter, and that has a way of abrading love's finer points.

NAJERA: Basically, all men are just big little boys. You need to turn it into a game. We men are stupid and fall for stuff like this. If you nag you remind us of our mothers and we won't do what you tell us just to spite you. But if you make us think we are having fun and scoring points while we clean, we shall be none the wiser. Up the ante: tell him if he scores enough "points," he'll win some type of trophy or prize. I'll leave it up to you to decide what that is.

HOOPS & HEELS: I don't do dirty chonis either, honey!! Unfortunately, the root of this problem is not dirty clothes on the floor. You can't be afraid of expressing yourself. It doesn't have to be a fight; let's just call it communication, So whether it's dishes, clothes, the lawn or "turn off the Play Station," own your feelings and talk it out. Guys love themselves a strong woman!

QUESTION: My boyfriend is going on a fabulous trip to Amsterdam without me. He claims it is a bargain travel ticket for one. I live in Tucson; he lives in Dallas. We've been going out steadily for five months now. I had some expectation of commitment. Now this! Should I stay home or book a ticket to another relationship?

- Home Alone

CHRISTOPHER: Hmmmmm. Has your boyfriend told you what he will be doing there and where he will be staying?? A vacation for one can't be all that entertaining. Perhaps with more information and communication you might feel better about his vacation - or perhaps not. Have you let him know how you feel about his inability to commit? I would say the two of you might have a little discussing to do to make this relationship work. Otherwise, you might tell him to change his ticket to one-way.

TIA MARIA: You don't need a Dutch/English dictionary to make things clearer. First, this long-distance dating is for the birds; no wonder he's flying off alone to Amsterdam. My advice is to say, "Hasta la vista, Baby" to Mr. Bargain Traveler. Open yourself up to a real relationship a little closer to home.

NAJERA: I've been down this Amsterdam road before (although I am talking about the bar, not the city). My ex once told me he didn't want to do anything for Valentine's Day because he had to work. So I said, "That's cool." I decided to go out with the boys and told him to call me on my cell if he got off work in time. Off I cruised to Amsterdam (the bar) for a drink - and found him there with his " 'mos." I also found the Valentine's card I gave him on the floor at our house. I stopped talking to him that night; that was three years ago. Time for you to hit www.Orbitz.com/gay without that trollop.

HOOPS & HEELS: What!? Let me guess, is he visiting his pen pal "Heidi," who looks like Heidi Klum? Forget about him! He doesn't know what he's missing by not taking you. Girlfriend, what you deserve is a man who is excited to take you backpacking through Europe or on weekend stay at a cabin. Close proximity as in MILES always helps, too. You know what they say, "Amor de lejos, es para pendejos. Yodele, hee, hoo!"