Email this page  Print this page  del.icio.us  digg

Najera Nites - Computer L - O - V - E

A fellow reporter friend of mine, Mark, got married recently and didn't tell anyone in our newsroom. We just happened to be trading chisme by our cubicles when I asked him what he did over the holidays.

He's all, "Oh, you know: Hannukah stuff, family and I got married."

"And you got married?" I asked. Wow. That was casual.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't marriage supposed to be like this super big deal for ya'll straight folk? Mark told me he didn't really tell anyone because he wanted to keep it on the brown low (even though he is Jewish), since it was a pretty quiet affair.

I was fascinated how mellow he was about the whole thing. When my sister got married it was drama-rama. Of course she married a White dude from Orange County. His mom was all about 20 people, tapered candles and bone china at the Phoenician. We had to explain to her that with Mexican families to expect something more like 200 people, shredded pork on paper plates and mariachis at the Embassy Suites.

My sister's Big Fat Brown Wedding, as it were.

But Mark topped us. It was if he had picked up some milk at the store, dropped by the bar for happy hour, worked out at the gym - and somewhere in that agenda - traded nuptials.

Of course, being the nosy bitch I am, I had to press on with this phenomenon. It turns out he met the love of his life on www.JDate.com.

I'm all, "What the hell is that?"

He's all, "It's the online Jewish love connection."

I'm all, "Oh, like those fancy-pan Pacific ocean cruises that rich Jewish parents send their kids on?"

He's all, "How did you know about those?"

I'm all, "Friends in college told me about them."

He's all, "Really? Where'd you go?"

I'm all, "Stanford."

He's all, "Oohhh. That makes sense." Awkward pause.

Then, he's all, "Well, now we just cruise online."

I'm all, "Wow that sounds so gay."

He's all, "Huh?" Awkward pause No. 2.

I'm all, "Nevermind .. but congratulations anyway!" And then I gave him a Hallmark card.

You know that night I had to roll on up to some JDate.com to check it out. It's pretty cool. It was exactly how Mark described it. It's basically just an online matchmaker for Jewish kids, much like the well-known match.coms and e-harmony.coms of the world.

I got to thinking .. do brown folk have something like this? We must! So, you know me: in order, I checked out Bdate.com, Mdate.com, Ldate.com, Hdate.com and some Pdate.com. (Brown, Mexican, Latino, Hispanic, pocho, respectively.)

Here's my report: Bdate.com doesn't exist. Mdate.com exists and is a matchmaking site but, it's unclear what kind. Ldate.com promotes itself as the "best dating site for lesbians. Lesbian girls. Asian lesbians. Black lesbians. Blonde lesbians. Free lesbians." But no brown lesbians! Apparently we don't have lesbians in the Latino community. It gets back to that old adage I coined once: "Bitch, please! She's not a lesbian! She's just Chicana." Hdate.com provides a safe dating haven for herpes patients. Pdate.com remains unpublished. And there you go.

So how do brown single folk search for brown e-love? I needed to investigate. And I needed a subject. But who? Then it hit me. My mom. She's been threatening to post a profile on match.com for like the past 20 years. I asked her if she'd be willing to do it now so I could write about it for this Valentine issue.

She's all, "Sure, mijo. I'll help you with your article." Awkward pause No. 3.

She continued, "But I don't know if I really like those sites. Do we really have to do it? Can't we just say we did it?"

I'm all, "Mom, that kind of defeats the purpose."

She's all, "Why? I'd really rather not - you can just say I did it."

I'm all, "Mom, it doesn't work that way. Except at Prensa Hispana."

For those of you who know my mom, you know she's a doll and a totally great sport. So I knew something was up.

I asked her if she was scared. Awkward pause No. 4. She admitted yes. And then she admitted something more shocking! She revealed how she had started a profile forever ago on e-harmony.com, but never finished. Her explanation? No time. Too busy. Not ready. Yadda, yadda. After some negotiation she agreed to try e-harmony again. She called me when she was done setting up her profile.

I checked it out online. It's cute! But she refuses to post a picture. Nonetheless, three matches came back. One guy looks like Danny DeVito. That won't work. The other two didn't post pictures either. But they described themselves as "good, caring people" and that the first thing people notice about them are their "good hearts."

When my mom read that, she went, "Oh, no. That means they're chubby." For someone who doesn't understand online dating, she picked that part up pretty quick.

Happy Valentine's Day. Be mine. XOXO

- M